Sweet home Alaba...where the hell are we?

No pictures in GA...A tornado kinda was trying to wipe it off the face of the earth. I have no problem with this as Atlanta is hot and has no parking. My only problem with Gods plan for Georgia was I happen to be going 110mph when we slammed face first into a SOLID wall of water. Nothing sexier then driving 10 miles an hour with you flashers on at 2am. We ended up somewhere in Alabama at a Wal-Mart parking lot around 3am, but this brave little Hippo was not going to let his owner down. Low and behold what did we find but the WWE road crew! There is me on the left hanging out with HHH himself. (I'm the thing in the middle that looks like a blue nipple.) So there you go, even while lost, Hippo gets VIP treatment.

JAH (oo)

Day one....Talladega Nights.

Johnny here for the blow by blow on todays little adventure. First thing, we left just as the sun was going down to avoid traffic. This has up sides and down sides. Going as fast as you want on curvy roads with the whole place to yourself, Up side. Not having a damn thing to look at because it's the middle of the fucking night, Down side. That does not mean that this clever little hippo did not get a chance to get some good shots in!

Meet Johnson A. Hippo

This intreped little blue fellow is Johnson, Johnny to his friends. He will be giving a personalised tour of our drive from South Carolina to Texas. He will be posting updates for me while I am doing the hard stuff like driving, spending money and trying to find places for my wife to pee.

Yippie-ki-yay Motherfuckers!

Texas ahoy! So as I am one lazy fucker when it comes to updating this goddamn thing with the manna from Heaven that is my divine wit and hate for carbon based life, I am laying forth a challenge...3 weeks, 10 updates, no excuses. I will start with a photo journal of a 8 day trip to "Bush Country", again, not the one from Vegas. This will be accomplished with my trusty Canon Camera, My girl Friday, all the free wifi I can steal, and my mother in law screaming in the back every time I go within 10 miles of the posted speed limit. Now I need my loyal readers to call bullshit in the comment sections when it gets slack. Remember, like daddy, I work better fueled by hate.
To see list in Texas:

• A belt buckle bigger then my already huge head.
• A retard put to the chair (bring popcorn).
• The rare and elusive 11 gallon hat.
• A longhorn steer....then eat it.
• A sidearm worn in a church.
• That damn roadrunner....then eat it.

See everyone soon.
SG!

A Very Merry Christmas Customer Rant

Christmas (after being stolen from every pagan religion except the Mayans) has been around for the better part of forever and has seen as a cash cow for retailers since Sears met Roebuck. What we can draw from the above statements is that as long as you were nor born in a year that ends in BC, you are aware that it can be a bit "busy" in most stores. Here are just a few questions we poor souls must endure on a daily basis:

• What do you meen you are out of stock of (insert do-dad of the moment)? If I had the ability to magicly create matter out of thin air, I would not be talking to you.
• Why is it so busy? I know! It is like everyone left their house all at once to buy something they did not need for a Holiday that most people over the drinking age hate.
• Are you helping someone? This is always asked while perched on a ladder that wobbles when dust settles on it and you are trying to take down a box bigger then your first apartment. My response, "Nope, building a tree house, come on up and we can tell ghost stories. "
• So you are out of stock, why don't you people just order more? No joke here really, but do people think there is a big fucking "order" button that gets pressed and shit shows up? 1,000 people are involved in getting an egg from the chickens ass to your fridge so how complicated it is for a 62" plasma screen TV to get made.....let alone what it does to the chickens ass.
• What is the cheapest thing you have? OK, I won't judge. Money may be tight. You might have a "Secret Santa" budget limit or you just may plain hate the fucker your getting the item for. I understand like three Dr. Phils. What I do not understand is the hate that gets directed toward us poor little underlings when you let them know that the whole cast of the Simpsons has already beat them in and asked that same question, then bought all of said items and now the "cheapest" thing you have in stock is a throne made out of faberge eggs.
• Why are the lines so long? How long does it take to ring up a DVD? Says the woman, paying half in an out of state, third party check with no ID and the other in wampum. And wants cash back. Do you have a pen, I never carry a pen. Oh wait did you already run my LAST CHECK EVER?! I had a coupon for 8 cents off that I must use today or it expires, let me run to my car and get it.

It stopped being a day of joy when you no longer had to wake someone up to open presents. When I have kids, I am going to do all of my shopping in June and they are getting socks....ok, maybe a puppy. So in closing, Fuck Christmas.

PS: note to future self, airholes in the puppy box!

That cube is a douch

Portal: A Day in the Life of a Turret

In honour of the misses