Things I will no longer do at work, unless provoked.

1. Give customers the "Evil Eye".
2. Page a "Code Two" to my pants over the intercom.
3. Offer to order white ink.
4. Offer to order LCD fluid.
5. Pants are NOT optional.
   
6. Refer to Myspace users as "Queertards".
7. Use company computers to download porn movies over 1GB in size.
8. USB cables do not come in: 6' 10' and My Wang'.
9. Answer the phone as Foghorn Leghorn.
10. Jump out from behind shelves as people are shopping and yell "pick me, pick me!".
11. Asking random women "Does anyone know your here?", then not break eye contact.
12. Dance behind other employees to whatever music is on the overhead at the time while they talk to customers.....scratch that, I'm keeping this one.
13. Stop selling parental security software with the phrase "So, ever watch dateline? That's your kid within 48 hours of this computer in your home."
14. Pat a manager on his/her head and respond "Awww, who is wearing their Big Boy pants today?" when I am asked to do something.
15. Laptops caught on the first bounce are not fine.
16. Tell customers that THEY need the memory upgrade.
17. "Fondle".
18. Show off the DVD+RW drive as the "2008 power cup-holder".
19. Warm my underthings in the microwaves.
20. While I am warming my underthings, show customers inventive uses for all of the attachments on the new Dyson uprights.
21. Answer the Manager on duty phone with "Yes, Massa?"
22. "Because I'm bigger then you", while true, does not make me right.
    
23. On my days off come in and re-arrange the DVDs in order of "Boobage".
24. Stop making up words like "Boobage".
25. Stop making up random but interesting facts just to see if they ever get told back to me as the gospel truth later on that week....OK, fuck you, I'm keeping this one too.
    

Powered by ScribeFire.

I think my job is designed to drive me mad.

A list in no order of things I had to tell a customer today:

1. "Sir, do not stick ANYTHING in that slot."
2. "Yes all computers have DVD burners, no I will not show you how to bootleg."
3. "Yes, you must pay for goods and services, we are not a charity."
4. "Yes, I am still sure that you should not put ANYTHING in that slot."
5. "You are having trouble picking up wireless signal? How far away is your router? Yes you must own a router."
6. "No, I will not help you pick up you next door neighbors encrypted WI-Fi."
7. "Yes I know you heard Vista sucked, would you like a Mac? $1,000 starting point. So, lets look at the $4 VISTA computers, huh?"
8. "Sir, if you are going to sick something in that slot, at least ground yourself."
9. Yes you can do it yourself...In theory....you could also fly a plane, build a car from scratch and run a mile in 4 min, but seeing as not 10 min ago you just patted a LCD and asked what colors the 'modem' comes in and if it will play spider....I going am going to have to go with no on that one."
10. "Do you smell burning hair?"