A Very Merry Christmas Customer Rant

Christmas (after being stolen from every pagan religion except the Mayans) has been around for the better part of forever and has seen as a cash cow for retailers since Sears met Roebuck. What we can draw from the above statements is that as long as you were nor born in a year that ends in BC, you are aware that it can be a bit "busy" in most stores. Here are just a few questions we poor souls must endure on a daily basis:

• What do you meen you are out of stock of (insert do-dad of the moment)? If I had the ability to magicly create matter out of thin air, I would not be talking to you.
• Why is it so busy? I know! It is like everyone left their house all at once to buy something they did not need for a Holiday that most people over the drinking age hate.
• Are you helping someone? This is always asked while perched on a ladder that wobbles when dust settles on it and you are trying to take down a box bigger then your first apartment. My response, "Nope, building a tree house, come on up and we can tell ghost stories. "
• So you are out of stock, why don't you people just order more? No joke here really, but do people think there is a big fucking "order" button that gets pressed and shit shows up? 1,000 people are involved in getting an egg from the chickens ass to your fridge so how complicated it is for a 62" plasma screen TV to get made.....let alone what it does to the chickens ass.
• What is the cheapest thing you have? OK, I won't judge. Money may be tight. You might have a "Secret Santa" budget limit or you just may plain hate the fucker your getting the item for. I understand like three Dr. Phils. What I do not understand is the hate that gets directed toward us poor little underlings when you let them know that the whole cast of the Simpsons has already beat them in and asked that same question, then bought all of said items and now the "cheapest" thing you have in stock is a throne made out of faberge eggs.
• Why are the lines so long? How long does it take to ring up a DVD? Says the woman, paying half in an out of state, third party check with no ID and the other in wampum. And wants cash back. Do you have a pen, I never carry a pen. Oh wait did you already run my LAST CHECK EVER?! I had a coupon for 8 cents off that I must use today or it expires, let me run to my car and get it.

It stopped being a day of joy when you no longer had to wake someone up to open presents. When I have kids, I am going to do all of my shopping in June and they are getting socks....ok, maybe a puppy. So in closing, Fuck Christmas.

PS: note to future self, airholes in the puppy box!

That cube is a douch

Portal: A Day in the Life of a Turret

In honour of the misses

Because I can

Who needs the caps lock when you have...

And you better believe this sucker is glued the fuck DOWN!

Customers hand crafted by god to punish me, part two

In this customers past a mighty wrong had befallen them. It is unknown if it was and angry Lord who smote them, a Circuit City touched them as a child or a retail clerk gunned down both of his parents, causing the customer to train both mind and body for years to fight the evil that is someone offering to help them pick out a computer. We are of course talking about my favorite all time customer, The Hater.
How do you know if your customer is a Hater:

1. Did you go to say hello and he yelled "JUST LOOKING, GAWD!" before you got to the double L?
2. When he did need help, did he call you over with an eye roll (they love eye rolls) and a single crooked finger like you were a puppy caught mid stream on the new green stainmaster in the hall?
3. When first introducing yourself, they go on a 20 min rant on what they are NOT going to buy. (Who DOES this? Do you sit down at Applebees and tell the waitress everything on the menu that your not going to eat? "Look honey, I never get desert, so just don't offer...look I have been eating for YEARS and I have never needed a tasty treat at the end of my meal, so don't offer!")
4. When within three feet, you feel a sharp pain on your left side. Do not be alarmed, this is not the heart attack that will claim you (not this time, anyway), no, on closer inspection you will find small raised areas throbbing red. They are bite marks. The Hater is not poisonous, but may carry many harmful bacteria in their mouth. Wash the affected area and treat with toothpaste or wee.
   

How to deal with a Hater:

1. Apologize up front for whatever wrongs were done to them in the past. (Yes sir, I am sorry that Becky Cooper pushed you off the swings in third grade...yes, Sir, I know that you brother had no right to the front seat of the station wagon because calling "shotgun" inside the house does not count, yes, Sir.........) .
   

Pros: Works, can be a cathartic break through for the customer.
Cons: Most jobs only let you work 8 hours a day, this could take a shift or three longer then you have. Most Haters have scars that go back to a man in a white coat slapping them.

2."Your Honour, I would like to treat this witness as hostal!"

Pros: Fun. They already hate you, make a day of it. Anwser questions the loooong way round with allot of unnecessary abbreviations tossed in for no reason then to make you chuckle. (I see what you need here sir, A Gtwy dx, 4 usb, 1 DB9, 4gb of ram, and wtf a 500gb HD lol haxzzorz....). When they ask a question, pause, then answer it with another question....I have got to twelve before I had to give a strait answer.
Cons: Just fuel for the fire. You may just be the one to make them snap and decied that a hard rain must fall and wash away the scum from the streets....starting with you and your name-tag.

3. Avoidance.

Pros: This is why we hire new people, to act as buffers between you and the assholes of the world. They are like the crumple zone on your fragile emotions. Just use the above warning signs as your guide, and push the "trainee" into the oncoming train (where did you think that trainee came from? Don't dispute science!). You may want to lay down a tarp for the pants-wetting that will ensue. Even better news, if they survive, they will be welcomed back into the herd as one of the group. If they don't, well then they would have bugged out one week before Christmas like a kids first tour in 'Nam. Better to know now.
Cons: The mental health of the people who work for you. They trust you and it is your..*Snort* whooo, I can't even say that with a strait face! Just throw them on the pile and hire another "resource".
Good Luck out there, until next week.

SG!

After a small vacation...I'm back BITCHES!

This is my new ringer!

Ms. Peachez - Fry That Chicken

My grandfather fought in the Great Robot Uprising of the 60s.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Customers hand crafted by God himself to punsh me; Chapter 1

This is a first in a ten part series designed to help others who will have faced the same fate as myself. Working for a large, high end retail electronics chain selling computers and networking gives you the rare and astoundingly lucky chance to brush your mind against a level of near humanity that you just don't see outside of an evolutionists wet dream. So on to our first test monkey?

Subject 1: The willfully Ignorant

This customer (see subject 1 on the left, having issues with his "interwebs") is not as the title may suggest "stupid". No, this person who in their own job may be employee of the month three times running, is intentionally ignorant about whatever piece of technology they are coming in to acquire. They speak to how they are "Computer illiterate", a phrase that sends my blood to speeds normally used to escape earth's gravity, and they are PROUD of it. If you have found yourself at the hands of such a creature, be sure to follow this guide to the letter!

• Do not argue with the subject. Whatever the subject has been told by "kin" is the word from on high, carved in stone tablets. Unless a statement made by the subject violates the laws of god and man, let it slide. Just nod and make agreeing noises (IE: mmm, yes, Vista has been know to cause your computer to eat babies, mmmmhhm, yup).
• Do show them the biggest screen on anything you sell. Shiny=Good.
• They will deny that they will ever use the computer for anything outside of surfing, and I have had a few go as far as to say they may not even turn the fucking thing on, to avoid all of those annoying questions you may have like "do you have anti-virus?", "do you need to print?" and "do you have electricity?", as they they know in their heart of hearts is just you trying to rip them off.
• Do not for any reason try to educate the savage. This at best is a waste of both your times, and at worst, may get you burned at the stake as a witch.

Till next time, stay safe. SG!

Powered by ScribeFire.

Things I will no longer do at work, unless provoked.

1. Give customers the "Evil Eye".
2. Page a "Code Two" to my pants over the intercom.
3. Offer to order white ink.
4. Offer to order LCD fluid.
5. Pants are NOT optional.
   
6. Refer to Myspace users as "Queertards".
7. Use company computers to download porn movies over 1GB in size.
8. USB cables do not come in: 6' 10' and My Wang'.
9. Answer the phone as Foghorn Leghorn.
10. Jump out from behind shelves as people are shopping and yell "pick me, pick me!".
11. Asking random women "Does anyone know your here?", then not break eye contact.
12. Dance behind other employees to whatever music is on the overhead at the time while they talk to customers.....scratch that, I'm keeping this one.
13. Stop selling parental security software with the phrase "So, ever watch dateline? That's your kid within 48 hours of this computer in your home."
14. Pat a manager on his/her head and respond "Awww, who is wearing their Big Boy pants today?" when I am asked to do something.
15. Laptops caught on the first bounce are not fine.
16. Tell customers that THEY need the memory upgrade.
17. "Fondle".
18. Show off the DVD+RW drive as the "2008 power cup-holder".
19. Warm my underthings in the microwaves.
20. While I am warming my underthings, show customers inventive uses for all of the attachments on the new Dyson uprights.
21. Answer the Manager on duty phone with "Yes, Massa?"
22. "Because I'm bigger then you", while true, does not make me right.
    
23. On my days off come in and re-arrange the DVDs in order of "Boobage".
24. Stop making up words like "Boobage".
25. Stop making up random but interesting facts just to see if they ever get told back to me as the gospel truth later on that week....OK, fuck you, I'm keeping this one too.
    

Powered by ScribeFire.

I think my job is designed to drive me mad.

A list in no order of things I had to tell a customer today:

1. "Sir, do not stick ANYTHING in that slot."
2. "Yes all computers have DVD burners, no I will not show you how to bootleg."
3. "Yes, you must pay for goods and services, we are not a charity."
4. "Yes, I am still sure that you should not put ANYTHING in that slot."
5. "You are having trouble picking up wireless signal? How far away is your router? Yes you must own a router."
6. "No, I will not help you pick up you next door neighbors encrypted WI-Fi."
7. "Yes I know you heard Vista sucked, would you like a Mac? $1,000 starting point. So, lets look at the $4 VISTA computers, huh?"
8. "Sir, if you are going to sick something in that slot, at least ground yourself."
9. Yes you can do it yourself...In theory....you could also fly a plane, build a car from scratch and run a mile in 4 min, but seeing as not 10 min ago you just patted a LCD and asked what colors the 'modem' comes in and if it will play spider....I going am going to have to go with no on that one."
10. "Do you smell burning hair?"